Monthly Archives: May 2013

Dead Month, Dead Me

I wake up heavy. For a moment, I attempt to smile. But the weight of my everything presses down on me and I recede into the dark heaviness. Be happy, I think, you have no reason not to be. Work with me, I say to my brain, but it just fades away. I try so hard to control everything in my life, chasing dreams and success and recognition, but when I turn inwards it slips away. I’m always running, running, running, but I can’t define the finish line.

My body rises, slow-moving and uninspired. I go through the day, drinking coffee to jolt my body toward a normal speed. As long as I keep running, it works. When I pause to take a breath, the heaviness comes crashing on to me and I reach my hand out from under it, gasping for another distraction, something I can control. Let me study, I can master it. Give me a book or a blank paper and I’ll luxuriate in the familiar ease of it all. But when I try to study my brain? The ease becomes oppression; I can understand and intellectualize the workings of my brain but I can’t shed the pounds of feeling. I’m a doctor who knows the anatomy lying underneath like the back of my hand, but I can’t get through the fat. I’m sad because of X, I say, I will feel better if I do Y. Do Y, I say. Please just do Y.

I don’t do Y. I start to try, then fall back. What if I try doing Y and fail? Failing, vulnerability: this is not me. I long to feel loved, fulfilled. But to be loved you must accept love; to be fulfilled you must make space. I open myself to too few people, too few experiences, and then demand too much of them. I was not raised to be vulnerable: I was raised to run. I was raised in privilege and I attack myself for this, questioning my right to be anything but happy. I look at the strange projection of myself that exists on a screen, pointing to my smiles and the people that surround me: look, you are happy. Brain, be happy. Do Y. Please just do Y.

Confused with What To Do…?

There are some times when you want to do something but you don’t know what will happen when you actually do it.  In a moment of hesitation you don’t know what to even do.  Does anyone know hoe to make the right decision? And then even if you do make the decision then sometimes it turns out really bad and you regret it.  Well Act, Plan , that the priority. Any other good advice? Because there are many people out there who need this advice. And Any questions? I’m willing to answer them, I think I have quite good advice.

A GUARDIAN ANGEL IN DISGUISE

A GUARDIAN ANGEL IN DISGUISE
He just moved into a new neighborhood, and lived there less than a week, when he saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She lived in the house directly across the street from him. He could tell she was older, but not by too much. She always had a ribbon, either in her hair, tied to her belt, or wrapped around her wrist. He was sure this ribbon was so important to her. The ribbon was a very light yellow and blue, with a very small splash of pink. He followed her one day, but was afraid to say hi. The young boy could think of no other colors but yellow, blue and pink. Only seven years old and he felt so in love with someone he had never even said a word to. One day the young boy came home from school and the most beautiful girl in the world and her family were gone. He didn’t know this, but the beautiful girl and her family lived there less than a month, and about two weeks after the young boy and his family moved into the neighborhood, the beautiful girl and her family moved out. She never knew his name, and he never knew her’s. The young boy was so devastated. He looked out the window at the empty house across the street and cried everyday for a long time. About a week later that young boy was playing outside in the back yard. He saw a butterfly that reminded him of the most beautiful girl in the world. He chased the butterfly for hours, and finally caught it. The butterfly looked exactly like her ribbon. The most beautiful shades of light yellow and blue, with a splash of pink. He played with the butterfly for two days before it finally got away. The butterfly reminded him of how much he loved the most beautiful girl in the world. Only seven years old and he felt like the the same girl, whom he never even spoke to, left him twice.
Seventeen years later, and now a young man at twenty four. His company transfers him out of state, and he moves into his own apartment. He falls in love with someone who he is sure also loves him. He soon finds out that she is still in love with someone else and is now sure that he is going to have his heart broken again. The woman was torn, and didn’t know what to do. The young man was in agony, and felt silly having to wait for a decision, but he loved this woman so much, and wanted nothing more in life than to be with her. The young man took time off of work, and refused to answer his his phone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, fearing he knew the outcome, but as it turns out, he was wrong. The woman he loved so much, loved him, and his heart was spared this time. They immediately got engaged, and one day before the wedding the young man asked his fiancé a very important question that he needed to know the answer to. He said, “I know you had very strong feelings for another man, what made you pick me, how did I get to be so lucky??” She said, “A gift was sent from heaven to tell me what to do, and when I held it in my hand, it felt just like you.” “What was the gift, what was it??” She said, “When I was a young girl, we moved so many times that I don’t even remember all of the places I’ve lived. On one of our moves, I lost a ribbon. I know this must sound silly but, this ribbon was like my best friend. When I was a young girl I carried it with me everywhere. The gift from heaven was a butterfly that landed on my wrist. The butterfly was the exact same colors of my ribbon. When this butterfly landed on my wrist, I don’t know how, or why, but I just instantly knew I loved you.
~~Love Story~~ written by Love Story 01-10-2011 @ 1:55 am